


Control

by littleredridingkyle



Category: South Park
Genre: Bullying, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kenny x Butters - Freeform, Murder, a lot of shit?? a lot, i forgot stuff in the first chapter how shall i redeem myself, i obviously hate this already have fun reading, i read over my shit like fuck, im not good at writing, the prologue is also really screwy fuck my life, tweek x craig
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-08-31 08:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8570797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleredridingkyle/pseuds/littleredridingkyle
Summary: When a series of murders begin to unravel in South Park, the boys find themselves all on the suspect list. Nobody can be trusted.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first South Park fanfic. I'm not the best writer, so I'm sorry about that. The point of view will probably never change. I'm not really sure how it's all going to play out so far but hey, I'm trying. XD There will be LOTS of violence and (maybe?) major mental health issues in this story that may be triggering to some readers, so please read this with caution if you are sensitive to those types of topics. I will add more tags as the story progresses.

Living in South Park is strange. Strange things happen, strange people live here, and that just makes the whole town strange. Sometimes I believe I am the most strange.

I've always been told that I'm weird. My parents think I'm messed up. My dad thinks he's good at parenting, he thinks he's doing everything right. But I see other kid's parents, like Stan's or Kyle's, and I envy them so much. They're loving, caring, and everything I want my mom and dad to be.

They make me think I'm a bad person, even though I spend my time trying to make other people happy, because feeling sad all the time is the worst feeling in the world. Forgetting how to experience joy, not knowing the last time when you laughed legitimately, or had a genuine smile on your face.

Putting on a show for everyone else's well-being is nice, it makes me feel like I'm actually doing something right with my life, since everyone believes I'm such a disappointment. I've started to believe it myself.

My niceness is taken for granted. I am a doormat. I get trampled all over and taken advantage of by everyone around me. Using me for their own benefit. And I let it happen. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm too weak. No, that's exactly what it is. I'm too weak. Trying to fight it just seems hopeless. Letting everyone use me avails them, so maybe that's my reason to live. Maybe that's why I'm here. To be used. I don't want that to be my reason to live, but that's all I've ever done, so it must be. My parents use me to keep the house clean like a slave, and my "friends" use me to help with their awful schemes.

I kick a rock with my foot as I make my way to school. I quit taking the bus and have decided to walk since 7th grade started, because it keeps me away from bullies on the bus. When I used to ride, everyone, especially Eric Cartman, would like to throw paper  
balls at my head and give me wet willies and such. I eventually got sick of it and stopped riding. I could drive to school if I had a car, I'm 17 after all, but there's really no point. It's only a 20 minute walk. I can handle that.

And I can get out of the house faster if I walk anyway.

Escaping the house is hard. I'm almost always grounded for absolutely nothing. I never really do anything wrong. It's usually because one of Stan, Kyle, or Eric's plans goes askew. Sometimes my dad gets frustrated over something that has nothing to do with me, and just yells and says, "Butters! You are grounded!"

I have learned to not question it. My dad hasn't used the belt on me in a while, but that's because I just don't talk anymore. Staying silent, or agreeing with whatever dad is saying about me being "worthless" or "screwed up" just keeps me from getting hurt. Being confined to my room without dinner is better than being confined to my room without dinner and taking the belt too.

I've been learning strategies to keep myself away from trouble. But it just mainly results in isolation and silence. I've just found myself not talking anymore, but always keeping a smile. Keep the smile or someone will ask you what's wrong, is what I used to think. But no one asks what's wrong. Showing the slightest bit of weakness makes them attack like a pack of starving, wild dogs. And I am the prey. Being sad just feeds them. It makes them ridicule me even more.

I feel myself becoming done with all the hate, the bullying. I want to fight back. I want it to stop.

I find myself just wanting to disappear off the face of the Earth lots of times. Suicide has been all too tempting, but I'm hanging on, by the thinnest, most torn up thread. That thread could snap at anytime.


	2. The Dark Cloud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Hopefully 2017 is better than the hell that 2016 was. XD  
> So the entire plot got switched up when I had a FABULOUS new idea, and now the title doesn't really relate to the song I named it after. ;-; But it's already called that so I can't do much about it, heh. I really hope nobody minds how I did my characters in this fic. How I made them best fit how the story is gonna play out. Butters is basically Tweek in a way, and I didn't really intend for that to happen, but it did. Butters is kind of myself, I guess. A lot of my own experiences with anxiety are going into this fic. :P I DID however keep Kyle as a nerd cuz I just can't imagine him any other way. Btw, I don't know if the whole makeup work exchange is how it works at other people's schools, but I had that done for me once, so that's how it works at mine. XD Sorry for the boring Author's Note. Hope you enjoy!

Stepping into the doors of South Park High is a new kind of dreadful experience every time it occurs. You never know what will be going on inside of there, what will be thrown at you, verbally or physically. I always try to keep myself hidden when I make my way through the halls. It sounds simple enough, just walk to the cafeteria and wait for the bell to ring for class to start. It probably is that simple for most, but not for me. I guess you could say I'm a target. It seems like every paper ball, every insult, every shove, is directed towards me and only me.

This is most likely why I'm walking as slow as ever to school. Thinking too hard about unprofound subjects is something I have a problem with. An action as straightforward as asking a teacher a question can literally cause me to have a meltdown. I don't know why, I just feel like I physically _cannot_ do it. I can't do a lot of things.

A few years back when my Uncle Bud passed away, I had to go shopping for something decent to wear to the funeral. I can't say I was too upset about him dying. We had… issues.

I guess you could call them that.

Let's just say he did things to me when I was younger that he shouldn't have done.

Anyways, when my parents took me out to buy some clothes, my anxiety was at its peak. If you asked me why I freaked out, I couldn't tell you. When we got in that store, I felt like this huge weight was being pressed on my chest. The whole world felt like it was crashing down. I started hyperventilating and shaking, and my dad was getting so pissed at me for "being a freak." He started yelling at me to just get some damn clothes so we could get out of there, but his yelling only made me break down more. Before I knew it, I was laying on the floor in the middle of the store crying.

I ended up not going to the funeral.

But I also got in a heck of a lot of trouble.

I try to tell my brain to just _stop._ _Stop thinking so hard about all these useless things._ But it's really not that easy. My dad getting mad at me for being the way I am doesn't help whatsoever. He just doesn't understand.

Nobody does.

Heck, _I_ don't even understand.

A blast of cold wind knocks into me and I lose my balance, almost tumbling to the ground. I'm glad no one is around, I probably just looked like an idiot. I feel myself cringe just thinking about someone possibly seeing that. I lift my gaze from my traveling feet to the building looming in front of me. Dang, I got here fast. I inwardly groan. I really don't want to be here.

School is better than home though, I reckon. I push the doors open and prepare to rush through the sea of people, but to my surprise, I'm greeted with vacant hallways.

Am I late? I lift my arm and push back my jacket sleeve to check my watch. It's 8:30. I'm half an hour _early._ Dang. I've never been here this early. It's really weird seeing it so empty and silent.

And also kind of creepy.

I jump and let out a squeal that sounds like it came from a little girl as someone shoves the doors open behind me. A gust of cool air from outdoors hits the back of my head and I freeze in place. Who in the heck would be here this early besides a dork like me? I'm sure this won't end well. If someone has the chance to pick on me, they'll definitely take it.

A familiar laugh echoes throughout the silent halls.

"Did I scare you?"

I whip my head around and realize I have no reason to be afraid anymore.

Kenny. A smile spreads across my face at the sight of the tall blonde.

"I was gonna come in here early today to get some work done. I wasn't expecting to see you here too."

"O-oh," I chuckle nervously and rub my knuckles together. "I—I didn't know I was gonna be up here so soon either. I must have left the house before I usually do."

Kenny nods his head slowly. "Do you have anything you need to finish?"

I try to remember if I have any assignments in need of completion, but I can't seem to think of any. "I—I don't think so," I conclude.

"Hmm…" Kenny drifts his gaze from the ceiling to me. "Wanna come with me anyway?" He offers with a smile.

I nod my head eagerly and stumble over next to him. I look up to see him grinning at me, and I assume it's because I almost tripped. I hide my own smile at my clumsiness and choose to watch our feet as we travel to the library. His steps are confident, whereas mine are more of a stagger. I frown at this observation, but I also can't help but be proud of him at the same time. The old Kenny would have never gone out of his way to get extra schoolwork done.

Back in middle school, Kenny had more of a "fuck school" attitude. I wouldn't be surprised if his report cards in 7th grade were straight D's and F's. I don't know if his rebellion was the reason behind why the girls were all over him, or if it was just his good looks. He's always been stunning, with eyes like icy pools of blue, and dirty blonde hair that stays cut just past his eyebrows.

It all changed when high school started. I was 14 at the time, and I hate thinking about that period of my life. I was so depressed. I think that was my lowest point. I was just so _lonely_.

All the time.

I had nowhere to find consolation. My house was hell, school was hell, and I had no one to go to. As you already know, my parents are god awful. At school, I was just an outcast with no friends whatsoever. There were so many feelings jumbled up inside, and I had to just sit there and drown in my own mind.

I was miserable.

I remember sitting alone at a table in the back of the cafeteria on the first day of 9th grade. Everyone was in their own little groups, talking and laughing.

And that was when Kenny walked in.

I didn't know what was much different about Kenny, but there was something that wasn't the same. I noticed that he had grown a little bit, although that still wasn't what I was looking for. What I definitely wasn't expecting was for him to pass his usual group of friends at their table, and sit in front of me at mine.

"Hey," he greeted me with a smile.

All I could think at the moment was that it was a prank. Because who in their right mind would willingly sit with me and have an actual conversation?

Right?

I imagined all the others finding the sight amusing, looking over there at me and Kenny and snickering, whispering about me. I glanced over to the table that he normally accompanies, and was surprised when I saw that Eric, Stan, and Kyle were all looking at Kenny with looks of anger and disbelief. I looked back at Kenny and realized that he was waiting for me to acknowledge his presence.

"O-oh, um… H-heya," I stuttered awkwardly.

God, interacting with someone after such a long time of isolation was weird. It felt foreign in a way, like I forgot how to do it, and I needed to learn again.

Although I never really learned how in the first place.

I shrieked and threw my hands on top of my head when someone slammed their hands on the table, causing a loud bang that echoed throughout the whole room. I started thinking of the worst things, like everyone was going to gang up on me or murder me or something.

"Quit being such a spaz, fucking freak." I slowly brought my hands down and gazed up into the hateful brown eyes of Eric Cartman.

"What the hell are you doing over here, Kenny? Did you get brainwashed over the summer or something?" Eric asserted. The whole cafeteria was silent and looking in our direction, muttering to themselves.

I hated it.

Kenny glared at the larger teen. "No, and I can sit where I want. You don't control what I do, so fuck off."

Eric gaped at him with incredulity. He seemed to be trying to register what was happening. After a moment of silence, he scoffed and shook his head. "Whatever, Kenny. Hang out with the weirdo. You're not allowed to sit with me anymore, though."

"I don't give a shit," Kenny retorted.

Eric looked as if he still couldn't believe what he was hearing. But nonetheless, he threw his hands up in the air and began to plod back to his own table, but not before saying, "fuck you, Butters" and giving me the middle finger.

I turned my attention back to Kenny and watched him roll his eyes. "Don't worry about that asshole."

The cafeteria filled with chatter once more, and from all the way across the room, I could hear Eric ranting about how "dumb" Kenny was for "betraying" them.

The question had been burning in my mind throughout the whole ordeal, and I couldn't stop myself from asking it.

"W-why are you over here?"

Kenny raised his eyebrows and frowned, and I immediately realized how rude that must have sounded.

"I—I didn't mean it in a bad way! I was just wonderin'..." I tried to justify myself.

Kenny waved me off. "Forget it, dude. You just looked lonely is all. Thought I would give you some company…" He paused for a moment as if hesitating to say what was on his mind.

"And I'm tired of being an asshole towards you all the time. That's usually Cartman's doing, and me, Stan, and Kyle just follow along. But you've never done anything to me, so I don't see the point in participating in his bullying anymore. Stan and Kyle are good, though. Don't hate them. They're just afraid to leave the group because of what Cartman might do, but I'm not scared of that fat asshole. He can kill me for all I care."

I widened my eyes at what he was saying. I assumed that they were all a part of oppressing me, but now that I knew it was just Eric made me despise him even more. But Kenny saying that Eric could just "kill him" seemed a little extreme to me.

All I could get out was an "oh," followed by an awkward silence.

I couldn't think of anything to say, and I started to grow fearful that he would get bored and decide to leave. I had to think of something fast before my fears became reality. I didn't want to go back to being alone. I wanted a friend.

"You got taller," I blurted out without thinking. I immediately sensed my cheeks burning with embarrassment, and I instantly regretted saying it.

Kenny didn't seem to mind the strange and random subject, he just chuckled. "Yeah, I woke up one morning and my sweatpants had turned into high-waters."

I laughed and rubbed the back of my neck nervously. It's a habit I've seemed to have for a long time, doing it when I get anxious.

"You're tense. Loosen up," he commented.

I started to think I was getting on his nerves. My heart began to race, and I felt panic settle in my gut.

"I-I'm sorry! I can't really help it. I don't know why it happens, I'm—I'm just…" I trailed off and locked my eyes on the ground. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything." I glanced up at him and noticed that he looked guilty. "I should be the one who's sorry. All the bullying I was a part of probably didn't help your mental state."

I felt the anxiety start to subside at his words. For some reason, his voice calmed me down a bit.

"I-it's okay, Kenny."

He shook his head and looked me right in the eye with determination. "No, it's not okay. I need to make it up to you, and I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make it up to you, Butters."

And he did. He definitely did. Kenny has made my life so much better, I don't know what I would do without him. Sometimes I question if I would even be here.

He constantly looks out for me. If he sees anyone picking on me in any way, he puts them in their place. He's never gotten into a physical fight, and I wouldn't want that to happen. School is a high-priority to Kenny, and if he got suspended while trying to help me, I would never be able to forgive myself. So when things happen and he's not around, I don't tell him. And I definitely am not gonna tell him anything that goes on at home. I can't stand being pitied. I want to be strong. I want to be able to do things myself.

But I can't. I know I can't.

"Hey, I need to stop by Mrs. Coster's class to get Karen's makeup work," Kenny informs me.

"I-is she alright?" I question.

Kenny nods his head. "Yeah, just a cold." His voice sounds unsure, and I can't help but start to worry. I don't ask anymore questions, though, it seems like a touchy subject. He's always been very protective of his little sister, and her being sick must be stressing him.

Kenny groans and looks at the ceiling. "No, I can't go right now, I have to use all the time I can get to finish that shit for Government." He presses his index finger between his eyebrows in thought. "I'll get it after school." After a pause, he glances down at me and chuckles. "I'm thinking out loud again, aren't I?"

I nod and smile up at him.

I think it's cute when he does that.

"So… you're birthday's coming up," he says with a smirk. "In only two weeks, I might add."

I don't reply, I just shake my head and keep my eyes on the floor.

He huffs loudly. "Oh come on, Butters. You're turning _18_. That's a big thing."

I look up at him and frown. "Y-yeah, I know it's a big thing. And I'm not—I'm not _ready_ to go out into the real world. Th-things change when you turn 18."

He sways side to side and squints. "Not a _lot._ "

"Y-yes, a lot. And I don't—I don't wanna think about it."

I watch him through my eyelashes as he hops in front of me and starts walking backward, facing me with a smirk.

"I'm gonna get you an _awesome_ present."

" _Kenny_ ," I warn, raising my head to give him the most hateful look I can muster.

He widens his eyes and does some weird, silly face that I can only imagine would ever come from him. "Ohhh _my._ Are you _angry?_ "

I feel a smile threaten to take over my lips.

I decide to just not answer.

"Hmm." He stops abruptly and I bump into him before I can register what just happened. He wraps an arm around my waist and begins to give me a noogie.

"Kenny!" I shriek with laughter when he starts to tickle my ribs with his free hand.

He releases me from his grasp and opens the door to the library. I hadn't realized we were here already. He holds the door open for me and I grin at him in response to the gesture.

Kenny skips over to a computer, immediately presses the power button (maybe with a little too much force) and starts typing in the required login information. I giggle at his goofiness and take a seat next to him at another computer. They're ancient, and there's only 3 in here because of the school's poor budget, but we wouldn't really need any more than we have. Nobody ever uses them other than Kenny on occasion and Kyle Broflovski. I'm sure other people use them, but I wouldn't know. I only come in here when Kenny does. I don't check out any books in fear that I won't turn them in on time. It's a silly fear, but I'd rather just not read than be panicking the whole time I have a book in my possession that isn't my own.

"Shit!" I jolt at Kenny's loud swear. "W-what is it?" I ask in concern, although I'm still having a miniature heart attack.

"I only have 15 minutes to finish this…" I realize he's not talking to me, just to himself. "No, you can do it. Just manage your time." He nods his head and starts to type in an agitated manner. I feel kind of awkward just sitting here watching him internally rip his hair out, but I feel even more awkward when Kyle Broflovski walks in.

Oh my God.

_Why._

When the door shuts behind him he just stops. It looks as if he's deciding whether he should leave or stay. But when he sees that I noticed him, he slowly walks over towards the computer on the other side of Kenny. I don't have a problem with Kyle, I'm just not comfortable around anybody.

Besides Kenny, of course.

"Hey, Butters," he addresses me with a smile and a wave. I give a quiet "heya" back and start to play with my fingers. He takes a glance at Kenny and gives me a look that has "what the hell is his problem?" written all over it. I just shake my head and shrug in response, not sure how to tell him any other way without disrupting Kenny. Kyle takes the seat beside the blonde and starts up the computer.

"Hey, redhead," Kenny greets him without taking his eyes off the brightly lit screen.

"You alright? You're starting to sweat," Kyle observes.

"I'm super, thanks for asking."

Kyle raises an eyebrow at him but doesn't say any more. I check my watch and note that it's 8:45. Only 10 minutes until the bell rings to dismiss everyone to class.

"Fuuuuuckkk!" Kenny swears again. "I'm such an _idiot_!" He throws his hands up in the air and slams them on the desk. He darts his eyes towards me and mutters, "guess what I just did." He doesn't wait for me to reply before continuing. "I was only supposed to write 2,000 words for this _stupid_ ass report, and I've already written _3,000_. How dumb can I get? I've been freaking out for the past 2 hours over this, wondering if I'd be able to finish it and it was _already_ _done._ You know what? _I'm_ done." He finishes his angry rant and buries his face in his arms, but only to lift his head back up when Kyle starts laughing. He narrows his eyes and flicks his gaze towards him.

"Do you find my pain amusing?" Kenny asks in a petulant tone.

Kyle shakes his head and wipes at his eye. "No, not at all. I just don't understand how you could make a mistake like that." I can't help but find the situation funny myself. But I refrain from laughing, although I can't control the broad smile that spreads across my face.

Kenny grumbles in annoyance. " _Because_. When Mr. Murphy assigns a report, he _always_ says for it to be 5,000 words. You have that class with me, Kyle! Why did he decide to change it this time?" Kenny demands.

Kyle face palms and mutters something under his breath. "Kenny," he breathes. "What you're talking about is an optional extra credit assignment. I finished mine last night."

Kenny stares at the computer screen in disbelief. "...what."

"Yeah. Did you even read the directions when you clicked on it?"

"Pfff, yeah. Of course. I mean…" he pauses and looks at the ceiling. "I read the part that says what I'm supposed to be writing _about_ , not _how_ much I'm supposed to write. But only because it's _always_ 5,000 words, so… I deserve an apology from that dumbass teacher. This is ridiculous. He should have told us this, man."

Kyle raises an eyebrow. "Um.. no. You're the dumbass here, Kenny. It's _your_ responsibility to read the directions. It's the _teacher's_ responsibility to assign the work."

Kenny mumbles some gibberish before speaking proper English again. "Yeah, but… he shouldn't make us do computer assignments anyway! I'm poor! I don't have a computer!"

Kyle groans. "Don't play the poor card, Kenny. I know you have a computer, I've been to your house."

"But what if that _was_ the case? What if I _didn't_ have a computer?" Kenny muses.

"If that was the case, if I was the teacher, I would print the assignment specially for you. And then you wouldn't read the directions and I would give you a big fat F."

Kenny puffs. "It's extra credit. I can't get an F."

"I don't care."

Kenny flips off Kyle and shakes his head slowly at the computer screen. But the annoyance melts from his expression and he starts laughing. "Whatever. I'm finished, and that's all that matters." He clicks "turn in" and shuts down the computer. "Maybe I can get extra _extra_ credit for all the extra _shit_ I wrote." Kyle clicks his tongue and returns his attention back to his own work.

"What are you working on?" Kenny asks him.

"I'm… actually writing a story," he admits bashfully. I can't see Kenny's face from where I'm sitting, but whatever he did makes Kyle narrow his eyes at him. "And you're not allowed to read it."

"Awh, come on dude! We're bros!" He holds up his fist, but Kyle doesn't bump it with his own.

Kenny lowers his hand and nods his head slowly. "Okay, I see how it is."

"It's personal. It's more of a vent than anything," Kyle explains.

"So it's a diary. That's gay," Kenny says bluntly.

Kyle glares at him. "It's _not_ a diary."

"It's still gay nonetheless."

"You know what else is gay? A 17-year-old guy watching Sailor Moon Crystal."

Kenny gasps and points his finger at Kyle. "Never, _ever_ belittle Sailor Moon."

I sit in silence and watch them bicker. Sometimes I forget how close the two of them are. When Kyle isn't under Eric's control or is away from Stan, he's with Kenny. Outside of school, Kenny usually hangs out with him. I can't help but be jealous. I repeatedly wish for a chance to escape my house, I would love to be able to see Kenny outside of school. They've been friends since preschool, and I've only been Kenny's friend for 3 years. It makes me feel less worthy of being his friend, and I know Kyle will always be above me in some way.

Kenny whips his head towards me. "Butters, is anime gay?"

I shrug my shoulders and look at the floor. "I-I dunno, I've never watched it."

Kenny gapes at me. "You've never watched _anime_?"

I shake my head at him. I don't watch anything, much less anime. I don't have access to the T.V. at home, so I wouldn't be able to watch it.

"Oh my fucking god! It's great, dude!" His face lights up as he starts to tell me about his favorite shows. He must be pretty passionate about the subject. I have to admit, though, it's pretty adorable watching him get so excited about it.

I glance over at Kyle and watch him make a twirly motion with his finger at his head while he rolls his eyes. I grin at him and he returns the favor while simultaneously socking Kenny. It's kind of weird, we don't really know each other, but he's being nice so I can't say I mind.

Kenny makes an irritated face and pauses. "Kyle—"

The bell rings before he can say anymore. Kyle smiles cheesily at Kenny before waving goodbye at me and fleeing from the room in record time.

"I hate him so much," Kenny chuckles.

We make towards the door and head to our lockers without speaking. The hallways are swarming with people by now, and I start to bite my fingernails at the sight of everyone. I see a few familiar faces here and there, but a majority of the people I don't know. The middle school and high school here are connected into one, but the students are still kind of separated. Basically, one-half of the school is middle school students, and the other half is high school. Kenny likes the whole arrangement because it allows him to be closer to his little sister; I feel like it's just too many people.

My locker is opposite of Kenny's, so depending on your perspective of the hallway, mine is on the left side of the wall and his is on the right, directly in front of each other.

I turn the combination into the lock and take out the items I need for Chemistry. Kenny has English first period, which is a reason why I'm glad our lockers are close. We only have two periods together. 5th, which is Calculus, and 7th, which is Study Hall. So having close lockers is pretty convenient, it grants us the opportunity to see each other between classes. I do wish we had more together, but I can't change anything so I try to not dwell on it. I close my locker, turn around, and watch as Kenny gathers his own things. Twisting around while simultaneously shutting his locker, he pulls me into a quick hug. I feel so small in his arms, and his body heat warms me, even though only for a second. He releases me and smiles at me widely.

"See you in 5th," he waves me goodbye and retreats down the hallway. I wave back at him, but by the time I do, he's already turned a corner and is out of sight.

Every day when Kenny leaves, the dark cloud immediately returns over my head.

When I'm not around him, time seems to drag on. Sitting through every class can be so lonely, considering Kenny is the only person that will talk to me without putting me down. The teachers never call on me, which I'm really really thankful for actually. But _everyone_ in my classes ignore me, so it kind of feels like I'm not really there. Like someone could look over their shoulder and not even see me, just an empty desk.

It's an odd feeling, and I only realize that I _am_ actually there when some jerk (aka Cartman) decides to point out something embarrassing that happens to me. Maybe I tripped and fell, maybe I dropped something, it doesn't really matter. He'll make sure everyone there knows about it. Sometimes hearing the laughter echo around me provokes my sweaty palms and racing heartbeat. And I have no one there to calm me down.

So it just escalates.

It escalates until I find myself skipping class to sit in a stall in the boy's bathroom to regain my composure.

And then I get around Kenny again, and I feel a sense of security. I'm no longer vulnerable when he's with me. The dark cloud lifts, and I'm actually happy.

Of course, this feeling doesn't last long, as we only have a limited amount of time to see each other. So I cherish every moment that I get.

I enter the classroom and take my assigned seat next to my lab partner. She's an awfully pretty girl with shiny black hair, who I've never really learned the name of. It's the fake kind of pretty, her face is so caked with makeup that I can't even imagine what she would look like without it. I'm pretty positive she was one of the girls who used to work at Raisins, but I can't say for sure. Although she _is_ my partner, she doesn't do any work. I do wonder how she got in this class; I don't think she's really gifted when it comes to… _learning_ in general. So I do the work and she talks to her friends. And I'm okay with that. Talking to a girl would be nerve-racking. I'd much rather have it this way. No accidental stuttering while trying to speak, no awkward situations.

The teacher usually has an assignment already sitting on the desks when class starts, so everybody walks in and gets straight to work, using the chemistry book and notes the teacher may have given alongside the assignment as a source. I think that's why I like this class. Everything is handed straight to me, and I don't have to stress about getting notes down in time. They're printed out and handed to me.

Alright. Just finish the work in silence and turn it in. Easy.

Except, I'm working with glass.

_Make sure you don't knock over any beakers or flasks. Don't do it, be careful. Okay, now you're thinking about not doing it too much, your hands are starting to shake. It's not good for your hands to shake when you're about to be handling glass beakers, Butters!_

My mind is literally screaming at me. It's weird to think _I'm_ the reason this is happening. Alongside not being able to trust most of everyone I know, I can't trust my mind either.

Terrific.

You see, people with anxiety are supposed to go to _therapy_ and get _medicine_. But my parents don't _care_. So I just have to deal with it myself.

And it's so _frustrating_ to be constantly having an inner battle with myself. I hate it. I just want it to go away.

The worst part is that Eric Cartman sits at the front. I don't do it _too_ often, but every time I happen to break something, he gives me a hard time about it.

Did I just say I like this class? Nevermind. It's gotta be my least favorite. I was being too optimistic with my thinking.

Mood swings at their finest.

I bury my head in my arms.

I have to finish this. There's no option. If I don't turn in the assignment by the end of the period I'll get an F, along with my lab partner. And then she'll get mad at me. I don't need more people having issues with me.

I lift my head back up, take in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Alright. I can do this. I take a look at my paper and read it over while mentally preparing myself to handle whatever chemicals are in front of me.

When 4th period eventually comes to an end, I'm left feeling drained. I managed to get through Chemistry without breaking anything, thank goodness. But now I'm just exhausted and hungry. Stressing about everything tends to do that to me, it's not out of the ordinary. The biggest problem with this is that I can't eat in front of lots of people comfortably. I'm afraid I'll end up doing something wrong or stupid and embarrass myself, so I just choose to not eat at lunch. Kenny can't afford our school's lunch. Despite it not being the best tasting, it is kind of costly if you get it every day. So I usually give him my lunch money. He doesn't like taking it, and he always insists that I eat something, but I never do. I know Kenny doesn't get enough food, so it makes me feel like I'm giving back to him for everything he's done for me.

We meet up at our lockers and walk to lunch together. It's basically routine. When we reach the doors is when I dig in my pockets for $3.00 to hand to Kenny. Every time I do this I can see the rueful look on his face. But he takes it without argument, knowing I won't let him not take it. I mince over to the table we usually accompany while Kenny goes through the lunch line.

Kyle grabs my attention when I see him dart up to Kenny. He starts babbling about something, gesticulating wildly. I watch as a smile spreads across Kenny's face and he nods. My curiosity is peaked at the whole exchange, and when Kenny approaches the table with his tray of food, I immediately let the question roll off my tongue.

"W-what was that all about?"

Kenny looks down at me and raises his eyebrows. "What, with Kyle?" he asks while taking his usual seat in front of me.

I nod my head and begin to play with my fingers.

"He wants me to go out with him and the guys after school. Apparently, they're all having a big get together to see some sort of new horror movie."

"Oh," I say quietly. "Wh-who's all goin', exactly?"

"Well, it's quite a lot. Um… Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Craig, Tweek, Token, Clyde, Jimmy, and some Gary kid Stan insisted on bringing." He names off everyone while counting on his fingers.

My eyes widen. "Wow…" is all I can manage to say.

"Yeah… and I actually wanted to ask you a favor," Kenny confesses. He looks as if he doesn't want to ask.

"What is it?" I say a little too eagerly, immediately straightening up from my slouch.

"Okay, you know how I said I had to get my sister's makeup work this morning?" He starts.

I nod my head.

"The showing of the movie is literally _directly_ after school, so we're gonna kind of have to rush to make it in time. And I was wondering if _you_ could get Karen's makeup up work and bring it to her." He finishes and picks up his pizza.

I'm a little letdown. I would do anything for Kenny, but if I'm not home on time my dad will probably murder me (not really… I don't think). If I hurry, maybe - _maybe_ I can do it and still not get in trouble. Although it is a risk, Kenny doesn't usually ask me for anything, so if I get an opportunity to give back, even in the smallest way, I'm gonna take it.

And I'm taking this one.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and nod my head. "O-okay."

I watch as he lights up. He swallows and sets down his food. "Cool! You know where Mrs. Coster's classroom is, right?"

I think it over for a second before shaking my head.

"Okay, well it's on the middle school side," he begins. I listen carefully as he tells me the directions. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to remember them, they're not too difficult. "And then you can just drop it off by my house. My parents won't be home, but I think Karen will remember you from that one time you came by after we found The Tree."

Oh yeah. I remember that.

"A-alright, Ken."

"Thanks, Butters." He smiles brightly at me and continues to eat his pizza while I awkwardly twiddle my fingers.

"N-no problem."

Although it could be. It could be a huge problem.

I'll just hope for the best.

Kenny waves me goodbye as he jogs out the door to catch his ride with - I think it's Token - to the movie theater. There are a few others in the car, but I can't identify their faces through the tinted windows of the black BMW. I breathe out a sigh as they drive off, and I turn around to make my way towards the other side of the school. I find myself wishing that I could go with them. But I wouldn't be allowed, and I also wouldn't be invited.

A horror movie would be too intense for me anyway. And I would be too awkward and embarrass myself. All the guys going are considered "cool" too, so me going would just be really weird.

Okay nevermind, I don't wish I could go anymore.

I repeat Kenny's directions in my head as I maneuver through the halls of the school. It dawns on me when I reach the classroom that I'm about to have to talk to a teacher, and I feel my heart skip a beat at the realization. I didn't even have time to get myself ready! And I don't have the time to do it now, I need to get home as soon as possible to avoid getting in trouble. I knock my knuckles together once and grab the handle to the door, pushing it open slowly. A young lady with long, bleach blond hair peers up at me through her glasses and smiles warmly.

"Can I help you?" She asks rather politely, with maybe a little too much enthusiasm for someone who has been working all day, and who appears to still be working.

I bring my hands together and look down at the floor. "Um, y-yeah. I-I'm here to get Karen McCormick's makeup work. Her older brother sent me. He would have come himself, but he had somewhere to be."

She nods her head and rises from the chair. "Alright! She's okay, yes?" She queries while taking some papers out of a file cabinet.

"Y-yeah, Kenny said it's just a cold."

She hums to herself softly. "That's good. She talks about Kenny a lot, he seems like a good brother." Her heels make a slightly irritating click-clack sound on the tile floor as she steps towards me with a small stack of papers in hand, a bright smile plastered across her face.

I chuckle nervously. "Yeah."

"You seem rather shy," she observes while I take the papers gently.

"Mmm I—I guess you could say that," I mumble.

She breathes in deeply. "Well, tell Karen that I hope she gets well soon."

"W-will do, ma'am. H-have a good day." She tells me goodbye and I wave to her as I shut the door behind me. A huge sigh escapes my lungs and I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I did it. Now all I've got to do is take it to Kenny's and go home. But I have to hurry.

Dang it, I shouldn't have thought that. Now I'm anxious again.

I begin to speed walk down the hallways. I usually get home by 3:45, and it's currently—3:32, according to my watch. There is absolutely _no way_ I'll be able to get home on time. I'll be lucky if I get back by 4:00.

No need to start stressing.

I start walking even faster until I'm practically running. I really shouldn't be, I have no energy whatsoever, and when I get home I'll probably have a list of chores that I won't be able to finish from being tired.

Maybe I should just take my time. I'm going to get in trouble anyway.

I push open the doors and step out into the cold air. It's warmed a bit since this morning, but it's still pretty chilly out. I walk down the steps and turn left in the direction of Kenny's house. What if Karen doesn't remember me? It'd probably be really weird for her to see some strange boy giving her her school work. It's been about 3 years since she's seen me… she may have forgotten who I am. It'd be really awkward if that was the case. I'll just hope for the best.

It's already 4:11 by the time I get to Kenny's house. I hadn't realized before just how far away he lives from me. I took a different way so that my parents wouldn't see me walking down the street, which took extra time.

My breath forms a cloud in front of me as I knock on the McCormick's front door. It takes a few moments for the door to open, but when it does, I'm greeted with Kenny's little sister. Her light brown hair is up in a messy bun. She's wearing extremely oversized clothes and some Santa Claus slippers.

"Hi, Butters," she addresses me with a scratchy voice and a smile. So she does remember me.

"H-hey, Karen. Kenny told me to bring you your school work. He went to go see a movie."

"What an ass," she mutters. She doesn't seem very sick at all, so I'm glad to see that. "Wanna come in for a minute?" She offers. "I haven't seen you in forever. Kenny talks about you all the time, it's crazy."

I chuckle nervously. "H-he does?"

Karen puffs. "Yeah. How come you never come around?" She asks while gesturing for me to come in.

I shouldn't do it. I need to head home _now_. But I don't want to offend her, she must have been lonely all day, sitting here alone. And she looks genuinely excited to see me. I guess it won't hurt to come in for a minute. I step inside and follow her to the old looking couch, taking a seat and setting the papers on the coffee table. It's extremely dark inside. The windows are blocked with sheets, and the only light is coming from the T.V.

"I'm not—I'm not actually… _allowed_ to leave my house," I say.

She raises an eyebrow at me while sitting down on the couch with her legs crossed, and wraps a blanket around herself.

"Not allowed?"

I start to play with my fingers. "N-no. My dad likes family time," I lie. That's so far from the truth that I feel dirty for saying it.

She rolls her eyes. "Well, _that's_ stupid." Karen gives me a strange look and plays with a loose strand of her hair. "Then how come you can be here now?"

I widen my eyes. "O-oh, um… I'm not really supposed to, actually. But Kenny asked me a favor and I couldn't really say no…"

"You're not going to get in trouble, are you? I may only be 13, but if you do I'll kick Kenny's ass." She makes a weak punch at her own hand, as if showing me that she means business.

"N-no, I'll be fine. My parents won't care," I reassure her.

"Wait, you won't get in trouble because of _me_ keeping you over here longer, will you? If that's the case, I'll have to kick my _own_ ass."

I wave her off and shake my head. "N-no, you're fine. R-really. They honestly don't care." It's kind of weird, she's talking to me like an old friend, like she knows me well. Kenny must tell her a _lot_ about me. I don't really mind it, though, I enjoy having her like me so much.

She shrugs. "Aaalrighty then." Karen gasps and reaches towards the floor, trying to grab a teddy bear that's just out of her reach. I reach down and grab it myself, handing it to her with a grin. "Thanks, dude." She hugs it tightly and sets it in her lap. She grabs a remote off the arm of the couch and clicks the tv off of pause. "You can leave if you'd like. Or if you want you can stay for a bit, I don't mind. I'd actually enjoy the company. It's kind of scary being here alone."

I really really need to leave, but with the way she said that, she's not really giving me the option to. I don't want her to be afraid and lonely.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't care about other people more than I care about myself.

I look at the floor. "I-I'll stay if you want me to. I—I don't have anywhere else to be," I lie.

She smiles at me brightly. "Yay! I thought you were going to leave and I was like nooo..." She brings her hands up over her head and brings them down slowly, as if imitating falling off a cliff. "Cuz who knows the next time I'll see you, right?" I smile weakly and nod at her.

The resemblance between her and Kenny is astounding. She's like the female version of him. They act just the same and look pretty alike too.

"Now I dunno if you like anime, but that's all I have on DVD. My parents didn't pay the cable bill," she explains.

I nod in understanding. "K-Kenny was telling me about anime earlier."

She scoffs. "Oh my fuck, he's _obsessed_ with it. But, I can't complain. He's the one that got me into it, and I love it, too. We watch it together all the time."

I've noticed over the past five minutes that she's a pretty talkative person. I like that, though. I don't have to risk saying something stupid as much.

"This one's Sailor Moon," she continues, "it's mine and Kenny's favorite." I listen as she points out the characters and tells me what's going on. I give the occasional "mmhmm" or "yeah" to show that I'm paying attention. The show is actually pretty interesting, and once an episode is finished, she asks me if I like it. I nod my head in response. She squeals in excitement and plays the next episode. It's been such a long time since I actually watched T.V. and I find myself getting lost in the show. All of my responsibilities are forgotten for the time being, and I just watch with Karen and laugh every time she starts fangirling over her favorite male character. For the first time in a long time, I'm having fun. When she announces that we finished season one I bounce back into reality.

"W-what time is it?" I ask while checking my watch. My stomach drops when I see where the hour hand is. 7. Oh my _God. Oh my fucking God I am so fucking screwed what the fuck was I thinking._ I didn't realize that I said all of that out loud until Karen reaches over and rests her hand on my shoulder. "Calm down, calm down. What's wrong?" She asks frantically.

I take in a deep breath. "I just didn't realize how much time had gone by," I start, trying to keep my voice from rising. "I better be getting home."

She nods her head and gets up off the couch, tossing her blanket aside, but continuing to keep a grip on her stuffed animal. "It was really fun watching Sailor Moon with you, Butters."

"Y-yeah. I—I had a good time," I say while knocking my knuckles together. She walks with me over to the door and pulls me into a quick hug. "I hope to see you again soon."

"M-me too." I won't be able to see anyone for a _long_ time. I open up the door and wave her goodbye. It's already pitch black outside. I hear the door close behind me.

Now I can panic.

I am _toast_. If I don't have a good explanation when I get home, my dad is going to _lose_ it. He's going to lose it whether I have a good explanation or not. He probably won't even give me time to talk. There's no telling what he's going to do to me.

I internally scream. Why did I even take her offer anyway? That was _such_ a dumb move. I check my watch again to confirm the time. Yep. It's 7:23.

I look up at my surroundings. I gasp and feel my eyes start to sting.

 _I can see Kyle's house already_. I must have been walking quickly due to my panic. Oh my _God_.Kyle only lives a few houses down from me. Alright. It's okay. It'll be over soon. Eric Cartman's voice echoes in my thoughts.

_Take it like a man. Don't be such a pussy._

For once in my life, I'm kind of thankful to hear it. It makes me realize that I _am_ being a pussy right now. I'm stronger than this. I can do it.

My house comes into view and I find myself walking even faster. The sooner I face my parents, the sooner it will all be over with. I reach the pathway leading to the doorstep and, without hesitation, I open the door. I wait for my dad's voice to begin scolding me but instead, I'm greeted with silence. The only sound is the noise the door makes as it shuts behind me.

"D-dad?" I call out. "Mom?"

No answer.

This is really weird. This is so out of the ordinary that I immediately grow anxious and begin to knock my knuckles together. For a different reason than for being afraid of getting in trouble.

Where are my parents? I shouldn't really care, they're awful. But it's like they say, you don't have to like your parents, but you will always love them.

If they're not home something is definitely wrong.

My dad has a very _very_ organized lifestyle. He keeps everything in line. If something is out of place, he flips out. My mom isn't the same way, but when I get home she is _always_ here. It's never been different.

Until now.

I'm probably overreacting. They could have gone shopping. Although they always do that on _Sundays_ , it's still a possibility.

But when they _do_ get home they won't know I was out. So that's good.

Wait.

What if they're out looking for me or something? They could have already gotten the police involved and everything. And if that's what they're doing, they'll know I wasn't home. I'll get in _10 times_ the trouble if they come home and find me here. There are so many ways this could end, and if I had even a speck of bravery before, it's long gone. But I can't let myself start panicking. When I get anxious, I always think up the worst-case scenario, but it always turns out to be a lot less hellish than I thought it would be. So it's probably the same thing here. Everything will turn out okay. Until my parents come home of course, then I'm screwed. But that's something I can endure. I just need to know that they're _okay_.

Dang, doing a simple favor for Kenny has really spiraled out of control.

I feel my stomach growl and realize that I haven't eaten since this morning. I have absolutely no appetite, and dad will know if I ate something anyway. I'll just deal with the hunger.

To get in less trouble I could probably find something to clean. I glance around and note that the house is spotless. Do I just sit here and wait for them to get back?

I guess so.

I walk up the stairs to my room and shut my door. Pulling my laptop off my desk and onto my bed, I open it and start doing some school work. That's all I'm allowed to do on it, and I'm sure my dad has something installed on it so he knows if that's all I do. It's a little past 8:00, and I know that the more time that passes, the more I should worry.

8:30.

9:00.

My parents _still_ aren't home. I shut the laptop and go back downstairs. I feel my heart start to race, and I begin to bite my nails. This isn't good. I jump at the sound of the home phone ringing. My dad told me to _never_ answer the home phone. So I ignore it.

But it rings again, and again. The fourth time it rings I carefully pick it up, as if it were some sort of dangerous weapon, and press answer. I don't even have the time to say hello before I hear screaming and frantic breathing on the other end, and finally, someone begins to speak.

"Butters!" I hear a voice shout.

I can't believe it. Is it really him? How did _he_ get this number?

"E-Eric?"

"Butters!" He shouts again. The screaming and what sounds like crying continues in the background.

"W-what is it?" I ask. I'm so scared about what he's going to say, and I feel a chill run down my spine at the sounds coming from the phone.

"Its—Something—There's—" He's not finishing any of his sentences, and it sounds like he's on the verge of a panic attack. I wait impatiently for him to catch his breath.

"We found— two bodies— Stark's Pond—" He tries to explain with labored breathing.

I freeze. Two bodies? It couldn't be...

"It looks like your—" I just stare ahead, my mouth dropping, not bothering to listen to Eric stumble with his words anymore. I know what's happened. I listen to the screams and cries coming from multiple people on the other end of the line. I don't even know what to say. I'm in shock. This isn't happening.

"Hand me the phone!" I hear static and what sounds like someone trying to grab the phone. "Hand me the fucking phone, Cartman!" I wait for someone to talk again, and when they do, I feel the back of my eyes start to sting.

"Butters?"

It's Kenny. And he sounds completely torn.

I don't answer. I can't bring myself to speak.

"Butters, it's at The Tree. They're at The _fucking_  Tree." I feel myself choke up and the tears start streaming down my face. I fall to my knees and drop the phone, bringing my hands up to my face. That place will never be the same. That place was special, a place that only me and Kenny knew of, and now it's a murder scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave some feedback in the comments, I would really appreciate it! :) Thanks for reading!


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